this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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