420 ftw
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
