I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
