I hope mine doesn't look like that
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
