Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
