Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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