pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
