The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
