I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have aggressive nipples.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
