Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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