we have officially lost it.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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