Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
