how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
