My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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