remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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