that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
