I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
