Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
