I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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