you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
