If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
