there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
