I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
