I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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