Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
