I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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