my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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