Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
