guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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