The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
