the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
