the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
