you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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