omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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