i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
