people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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