so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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