I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
