and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
my poor anus
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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