Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
