We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
