Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
