Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
