Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
