Porn is love you can see.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
