i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
