I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
