I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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