As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
