FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
