I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
