dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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