there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
